The secret to connection

You may or may not know, but you want connection. You want it with your spouse or partner, you want it with your parents, you want connection with your siblings, and you want connection with you kids and friends. I know because I am human. And humans not only want it, but we need it!

How well do you think you are doing at this connection job?

Or, here is another question, how are your relationships going? The ones that matter the most to you, how stable and strong are they? Are they where you want them to be? Are you at peace in your relationships that matter the most to you? Do you feel comfortable. Do you feel happy and excited with or around the relationships that matter most to you?

Ok, now what about the other relationships that you interact with everyday. Your co-workers or employees. Or maybe in-laws or people from your community?

Could things be better? Do you want them to be better?

The other day I had a disagreement with my husband. This disagreement that we had is a common disagreement for us. Its when I expressed some feelings with him and in return I got a response that invalidated everything I just expressed.

There is so much to unpack here, but I will stay focused.

A false that I have, is that a lot of times, my delivery is not communicated in a way that he wants to listen to me. I become a threat to him and he gets defensive. The conversation is then turned from what I was feeling and wanted to share, to now, how he is feeling. This brings the most painful disconnect in my relationships.

If you are having any problems with connecting with those in your life, you can consider this example of how that disconnect is happening.

Read carefully.

When someone is coming to you with any feelings they want to share, (even if they are negative things about you) the listener then holds all the powers in this relationship at this point. If you can see this as an opportunity to connect, (rather than argue) the relationship grows in trust and love. They may not be expressing their thoughts and feelings in a way that is comfortable to you, and they may need to work on their delivery. But if you focus on what the message is they are trying to say, empathize with them, validate them (this doesn’t mean you agree with them) and really understand what they are trying to say…. There will be a connection….and that relationship will light up. This can also be a time to apologize and learn from each other.

The secret: Focus on the message, not the delivery.

This has been a hard learned lesson in my marriage. Communication skills, in my opinion are the most critical skill in a relationship. And when not working on can cause lots of pain and disconnect.

❤️J